Languages...!

I Speak two Languages, Body and English ???

Walk & Talk ..!

Children You spend the first two years of
their life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and be quiet...!

Dental Records ...?

I can't understand how they identified the
air crash victims by their Dental Records,if
they don't know who you are, how do they
know who your Dentist is ???

So Surprised...!

When I was Born, I was So Surprised
that I didn't Talk for a Year and a Half !!!

How Long a Minute ...!

How Long a Minute it Depends on what
Side of the Bathroom Door you're on !!!

My Name...!

Until I was thirteen, I thought My Name was ' Shut Up.'!!!

Counting Sheep...!

You know you should go to Sleep when the
Sheep you Counting start to hit the Fence!!!

Here's to ME...!

Here's to you and Here's to me, and I hope we Never Disagree.
But, if that should ever be, to HELL with You, Here's to ME !!!

Allergic...!

I'm Allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into Fat !!!

Take a Break...!

Once a while you have to Take a Break and visit Yourself !!!

Obituaries...!

At my age I do what a wise man did. I get my daily paper,
look at the Obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual !!!

ME...!

Remember there is no ( I ) in a Team ...
( But there is only an M and an E ) !!!

Pretty Children …!

There are only a few Pretty Children in the World
and every Mother has Them !!!

In Shape…!

I’m In Shape. Round is a shape… isn’t it?

Serious Problems...!

My Imaginary Friend thinks you have some Serious Problems !!!

Lose Weight…!

I keep Trying to Lose Weight… But it keeps finding me !!!

The Right Person...!

They keep saying the right person will come along,
I think a truck hit Mine !!!

In Common…!

The Magician and the Politician have much in Common:
they both have to draw our attention away from what
they are really Doing !!!

Worried About …!

Remember, Today is the Tomorrow you Worried about Yesterday !!!

Mistake Reminder…!

Anniversary just Reminds you of what a Mistake you Made !!!

Never Know ...!

Doing Nothing is very hard to Do ...
You Never Know when you're Finished !!!

Men are Good ...!

All Men are Good - good for nothing, or good for something !!!

Believe in Something…!

A man’s got to believe in something.
I believe I’ll have another drink !!!

Smoking ... !

Cigarette is Tobaccos and Fire at One end

Idiot at the other End !

What is SEX ???

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the garage. Daddy, what is sex The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. did you ask that question, honey? Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of SECS.

Nobody Cares...!

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
Try missing a couple of car payments!!!

Woman's Birthday...!

A Gentleman is a man who always remembers a Woman's Birthday
but never remembers her Age !!!

The Formula _A = X + Y + Z_ ???

If A equals Success, then the Formula is _A = X + Y + Z_.

X is Work.Y is Play. Z is Keep your Mouth Shut !!!

Criticize Someone ...!

Before you Criticize Someone, walk a Mile in their Shoes,
That way, you'll be a mile from them and you'll have their Shoes !!!

Water and Land ...!

As the Earth is 2/3 Water and 1/3 Land,
it is clear that our time should be divided.
2/3 Fishing and 1/3 Work.

POLITICIANS …!

Ninety six percent of the politicians give the other four percent
a bad reputation !

Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and
murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to
pure wind !

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel !

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges
even when there are no rivers !

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians
seriously and the politicians as a joke !

Big Problem ...!

There's no Problem so Big and Complicated that it can't be Run Away from!!!

A Drink a Day...!

A Drink a Day keeps the Shrink Away !!!

New Survey…!

Someone has come out with a New Survey ; Apparently,
Three Out of Every Four People Make up 75 Percent of
the Population ??????

Life is Short ...!

Life is Short ,
Don't waste time worrying about what people think of you !!!

Beer Consumption ...!

The FDA is considering additional Warnings on Beer and Alcohol
Bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species
and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the
space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Black and White ...!

Love is Black and White until you fall in Love !!!

Most Common Elements ...!

The two Most Common Elements in the Universe are
Hydrogen and Stupidity. But not in that order !!!